Angry, and queer, and fond of German things. Autistic and goddamn proud. Inserting femme into everything and also generally being ridiculous.
What am I doing?? Comp sci and linguistics, apparently

Fitz & Mack in S2 Ep2 - “Heavy is the Head”




I actively loathe and have no sympathy for “”“autism parents”“”. none at all. and i don’t give a single fuck how much hate mail i get for this- you guys say we’re broken, we’re monsters, we will never be as human as you are….


i can’t believe they named the planets after all the sailor scouts

this is less fleshed out than my last post but

Ok, so I haven’t seen the second episode of shield yet (tonight!) and I haven’t been looking around the aos or marvel tags at all, so I only have the context of the first episode.
But I want to talk about Fitz, Coulson, and May.

Fitz is not ‘broken’. That’s a really loaded term. I have been in Fitz’ position – not exactly, but experientially pretty similar.

Fitz is withdrawn. No one is talking to him. May is the only person on the bus who has tried to stick with him, but she’s not the talkative type, she’s not a scientist. And it’s not that her efforts aren’t wanted, it’s that fitz has lost so much. He’s lost ward. He’s lost simmons, now. And he’s basically lost everyone else, because no one is acting like he’s fully there.
I think fitz appreciates May’s attempts to be there for him, on some level, but that must seem like so little when nothing else is there anymore. The image of simmons that he’s conjuring up is much more comforting and he’s not in a place where he can actively reach out to people.

What Fitz is doing is coping. I’m going to try to walk through this very carefully, because a lot of people have preconceptions about what coping means and I want to try to avoid them:
Fitz is having difficulty focusing. A lot of it. It’s a relatively new experience to him because of the triggering event/sudden onset. His normal methods of focusing and remembering something don’t seem to be working.
He is leaning on ‘what would simmons say?’ It is a tool. He can use that to fill in the blanks. I think people see fitz and simmons interacting in the episode and think ‘oh no, poor fitz, he’s having difficulty with focusing and simmons is helping him do that’

The important thing to remember is that he is imagining simmons. She is not there; she is not helping him. He is helping himself. No one else is talking to him and he needs that feedback to focus and so he is supplying the focus – just in a way he’s not used to doing.

Coulson, if you want Fitz to be a part of the team treat him as a part of the team. Fitz is right. You think he’s broken; you said he was someone we ‘had lost.’

Fitz is right there. You just need to actually engage with him.



If someone doesn’t “seem” disabled to you, maybe it’s because they’ve been forced to develop a huge and complex system of coping mechanisms in order to try and survive in an ableist world. It’s probably that.


every time i think i’ve found the bottom of my system of coping mechanisms i find another layer.

Capnromanoff was talking about Steve with sensory issues and I am so on that. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so tied to something actually I am suddenly shipping Bucky and Steve (and Sam and Steve) and basically Steve with everyone because just:

Anxious Steve. Steve lacking grounding, and experiencing some of the most disassociativeness of his life because he was literally flung out of time.

Steve trying to make new friends but not able to cope with how different everything is. He had only just started to figure out how to really interact with people and now the rules have changed. A small handful of people seeing the real Steve and standing by him when everyone expects him to be the hero. Sam and Steve bonding over the lives they lived in the military. Sam looking up to Steve as one of his idols while growing up, and now Steve is here and sees him and Sam watches as Steve slowly opens up, reaches out, tries to engage with the world. Sam seeing this and being there, being a person Steve can just be around.

Steve trying to reconnect with Peggy, but she’s lived out a lot more of her life than he has and, while their bond is still there, she is a different person from a different era, who has experienced what he wishes he had. Peggy who is difficult for Steve to visit; Peggy who has had a good life and done some amazing things and wanting to talk to Steve and help him maybe find his way, but knowing they are displaced and that Steve can’t ever know what her life was like, even though he knows what the world was like when they were younger.

Steve being sad and confused, but okay with this. He has Sam. He has Natasha.

Natasha, who he clashes with, but who has lived more than he can even imagine. Natasha, who seems similarly disconnected, who has different values but who Steve can’t help but feel a kinship with. Natasha, who feels similarly and thinks that Steve might understand where she’s coming from more if she could just get him to connect more with the whole world around him, not just the parts that remind him of his old life. Natasha constantly getting fed up with Steve when he doesn’t, and refocusing on the mission. Steve disappointing his new friends and diving more and more into fighting to deal with it.

Steve finding Bucky and CLINGING to him, chasing him, trying to bring him back, because maybe if he can just have Bucky back he can stop staying up all night wondering where his world is going.

Bucky, similarly lost, living in a daze, not sure what he’s doing or who he is. Bucky, who suddenly sees someone he recognizes. Bucky, who has been so lost and misled that he keeps doing what he’s been doing, even when pointed at Steve. Steve who hopes and hopes that maybe his old friend is in there somewhere.

Sam and Natasha seeing this, and trying to pull him back. Seeing how the winter soldier is pulling Steve further and further out of the present. Realizing that Steve needs to figure this out on his own and fighting alongside him while he tosses himself into Bucky’s path again and again.

Disassociative Steve.




Halloween display fell over


Party hard from cradle to the grave




Halloween display fell over



Party hard from cradle to the grave

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